Know what I hate? Stepping in a fresh land-mine my dog just left in the yard. Know what I hate even more? When I try to make a purchase at a local store and they try to pressure me into some extended warranty.
Drives me insane. Makes me want to order everything online.
You know the story. You’re trying to buy an expensive this or that, you’ve finally made the decision, and then they drop the bomb on you:
Clerk: “So, I’m sure you want the extended warranty with that, right?”
Me: “No, really I don’t.”
Clerk: “Well, you know this is a pretty expensive TV you’re getting here. Service calls for a set like this are going to be a minimum of $400. You never know when something is going to go wrong, lots of complicated electronics in that baby.”
Me: “Hmm, I thought this was a pretty reliable brand of TV, but with all this talk of imminent breakage you’ve got me worried now. I mean, a year from now will I be sitting on the couch, corrupting what’s left of my intellect with yet another episode of The Simpsons, only to have the set burst into flames – effectively sentencing poor Homer to a fiery death?”
Clerk: “No, no, that’s not it at all. It is a good set, we haven’t seen any problems, it just”
Me: (interrupting) “Huh, maybe I should switch to SpongBob, since that all takes place underwater. Do you think that would be safer in case of some kind of spontaneous plasma TV combustion event on my wall?”
Clerk: “What the? Umm… Sir, all I’m saying is that it’s an expensive set and this is cheap insurance. I’d sure get one if it were mine.”
Me: “Well, looks like PT Barnum was right after all.”
Me: Clerk: “Huh?”
Me: “You know, a sucker being born every day and all.”
Clerk: Dumb stare
Me: “Look, think of it this way. You want me to pay 1/3 of what the TV is worth for the warranty. Next time I buy another cool something or other, that guy will want me to pay 1/3 of the price for an extended warranty – and on and on.
Now, to my way of thinking, instead of buying all these extended warranties just “in case” something breaks, why not keep all that extra money for myself. Sure, maybe one day something will die, but hey, I won’t care. Know why?”
Clerk: “Umm why?”
Me: “Cuz I’ve saved so much money by NOT buying any of these silly warranties I can easily afford to just replace whatever it is that broke and still be money ahead on the deal. Plus, I don’t feel quite so violated when I walk out the door with the set, ya know?”
Clerk: “But, ummm, this is an expensive TV…”
Poor guy never did understand.
(The people and appliances in the above example are purely fictitious and any resemblance to obnoxious customers, sleazy ignorant clerks, or expensive TVs is purely incidental. No TVs or extended warranties were purchased during the writing of this article.)
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